双语阅读:男朋友经常不回消息 怎么办?

First, it's just one text that goes unanswered.

先是一条短信,TA没回。

Then, it's 10. Your calls go to voicemail and the silence grows deeper by the minute. You may start to worry: Could something have happened to your friend? What else could explain their sudden disappearance?

然后就变成了十条。你打去的电话没人接,时间一分分过去,沉默越来越深。这时你可能开始担忧了:是你的朋友出了什么意外吗?不然怎么会突然没了消息呢?

Eventually, a social media update or a mutual friend will give you the answer. Your former confidant is alive and well.

后来,社交媒体上出现了一条动态,或者你们的共同好友让你知道了答案:你从前的那位好朋友还活着,而且过得很好。

But they have just vanished from your life. They are ghosting you.

只是,他从你的生活中突然消失了。他对你玩了一回“神隐”。

双语阅读:男朋友经常不回消息 怎么办?

Ghosting, which means cutting off all communication without offering an explanation, has only recently entered the popular lexicon. But it's a behavior likely as old as human interactions have existed.

“神隐”,意思是不做任何解释就切断所有联系。这个词最近刚流行起来。不过,“神隐”这种行为的历史可能和人类交往的历史一样悠久。

The term originated in the context of dating, but ghosting also occurs in friendships and is even becoming a noticeable trend in professional relationships.

“神隐”,这一说法最初源于情场,但现在朋友之间也会“神隐”,甚至在职场上它也形成了一股令人瞩目的风潮。

A number of employers "said that they had been ghosted, a situation in which a worker stops coming to work without notice and then is impossible to contact," the Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago noted in December's Beige Book, a report tracking employment trends.


芝加哥联邦储备银行在去年十二月的一份就业趋势报告Beige Book中写道,不少雇主已经“自称被神隐了,下属不打招呼就不来上班了,而且怎么都联系不上”。

很多人都被“神隐”过

Ghosting is common and can happen to anyone.

“神隐”挺常见的,任何人都可能遇到。

A study of 1,300 people, published in the?Journal of Social and Personal Relationships?in 2018, found that about a quarter of the participants had been ghosted by a partner, while one-fifth reported that they had ghosted someone themselves.

2018年《社会和人际关系》杂志上刊登了一项针对1300人的研究,其中有四分之一都自称被伴侣“神隐”过,五分之一自称“神隐”过别人。

Ghosting in friendships may be even more common; more than a third of study participants reported that they had ghosted a friend or had been ghosted by one.

朋友间的“神隐”可能更普遍,有超过三分之一的研究对象都自称“神隐”过朋友或被朋友“神隐”过。

These figures may be even higher, as another 2018 survey found that 65 percent of participants reported previously ghosting a partner, and 72 percent reported that their partner had ghosted them.


真实的数字可能比这还高:另有一项2018年的调查显示,有65%的研究对象说自己”神隐“过伴侣,72%说自己被伴侣”神隐“过。

Ghosting is a strategy that may have gained popularity via new technology, as texting, online dating and social media have changed the way people connect, as well as how romantic partners find each other.

“神隐”这种手段也许是随着新技术流行开来的。信息、线上约会和社交媒体改变了人和人联结的方式,也改变了人们找对象的方式。

Today, people can go on dates with someone they would have never met otherwise, rather than meeting them at a corner store or at their friends' gatherings.

如今,人们可以和从前绝不可能认识的人约会,而不必指望着在街角商店或是在朋友家的聚会上相识。

Without a mutual social network tying two strangers together, it's easier to just drop everything and vanish without any consequences, Tara Collins, an associate professor ofpsychology at Winthrop University in Rock Hill, South Carolina, told LiveScience.

美国南卡罗来纳州石山市温所普大学心理学系的副教授Tara Collins告诉Live Science,没有了共同的社交网络维系两个陌生人,人们很容易就会抛下一段关系并就此消失。

什么样的人容易“神隐”

When being ghosted, people often take it to reflect on themselves — their own wrong behavior, imperfections and flaws. But ghosting actually reveals more about the personality of the ghoster than the ghostee.

被“神隐”的人常常会反省自己做错了什么、哪里不够完美或是有缺陷。但实际上,“神隐”更多地揭示了“神隐”者的特质,而非被“神隐”者。


"The people who do not like to have emotional closeness, they're probably more likely to ghost," Collins said.

“那些不喜欢亲密情绪的人,更有可能会‘神隐’。”科林斯说。

But there are many other factors and personality traits involved in leading people to ghost.

但是,还有其它因素和人格特质会导致“神隐”行为。

In a 2018 study, researchers divided people into: those who have a fixed mindset about the future, believe in destiny and think that a relationship is either meant to be or not; and those who have a growth mindset and believe relationships take work to grow.


在2018年的一项研究中,研究者将对象分成了两组:一组对未来抱有固定心态,他们相信宿命,认为一段感情的成败早已注定;另一组怀着成长心态,认为恋情需要努力经营才能发展。

People with stronger destiny beliefs were 60 percent more likely than the other group to see ghosting as an acceptable way to end a relationship and were more likely to do it.

有强烈宿命感的一组认为“神隐”是分手的恰当方式的比率比另外那组高出了60%,他们也更可能在恋爱中选择“神隐”。

Those with stronger growth beliefs were 40 percent less likely than the destiny group to say that ghosting was acceptable, according to the study, which was published in the?Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

更相信感情成长的那组认同“神隐”的比例则比宿命组低了40%。这项研究已经发表在《社会与人际关系》杂志上。

“神隐”其实蛮伤人的

Lack of communication leaves people in a mind-boggling limbo where they don't know how to act and respond.

缺乏沟通还会把人抛进一个迷失踌躇的困境,使他们不知道该如何应对。

"Social cues allow us to regulate our own behavior accordingly, but ghosting deprives you of these usual clues and can create a sense of emotional dysregulation where you feel out of control," Jennice Vilhauer, psychologist at Emory University, wrote in?Psychology Today.

埃默里大学的心理学家Jennice Vilhauer在《今日心理学》杂志上写道:“社交线索是调节自身行为的标杆。而‘神隐’斩断了这些常见的线索,会使你感觉到情绪失调,对行为也失去了控制。”

All of this can be particularly difficult for people who are sensitive to feelings of uncertainty and ambiguity.

对不确定性和模棱两可比较敏感的人,对此会格外难受。

These people not only have to manage the pain of rejection but also face the stress generated by the mountain of unresolved questions — Was it something they did that ended the relationship? Did they offend their friend? Did their partner leave them for someone else?

他们不仅要消化被拒绝的痛苦,还要负担堆积如山的未解之谜造成的压力:是自己做错了什么才使关系结束了吗?是自己惹朋友不开心了吗?还是TA离开自己跟别人走了?


摘要 / Summary

双语阅读:男朋友经常不回消息 怎么办?

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